The large FedEx box now sits on my dining room floor despite the fact that I sent it out. It had been returned, evidently never opened.
“What are you going to do with it?” My family asked me. “I don’t know.” I said. “I just don’t know.”
In my mind’s eye I could still see. The manila folder secured to the bottom of the box with purple sparkle tape. The folder rested beneath a cross adorned with purple and white flowers, which I had lovingly wrapped in my son Noah’s swaddling blanket. There were more images of our journey tucked into the box. Thoughtfully chosen items and words which sang of faith in the One whose love can move mountains. It was, and still is, a gift for someone special. Someone I don’t even know. But God knows.
The box sits ready, reminding me that I’m still waiting on a second birth, a birth that marches straight up to the door of death and returns overflowing with LIFE. This hope – conceived and promised – I choose to carry.
It feels as though this second birth is long overdue, aches, expectations, and questions flood my soul. They are not surprising because I experienced a parallel journey with my son Noah, I call him the Prayer Baby.
During the last weeks of pregnancy, it seemed impossible that my little one could exit my womb and rest safely in my arms. Little did I know what the last moment of delivery would hold as I surrendered to this fight for life, incapable of saving myself or Noah. If I had planned his birth, I would have delivered him on Easter Sunday, March 27th . At the time, that would have made the most sense to me, because Jesus conquered death on the cross. But we passed it, and the significance of Noah’s birth date was lost on me for more than a year after his birth. The path was paved in miracles I am still unpacking today.
About miracles, C.S. Lewis wrote, “Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same STORY which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.” It is true.
When I look at the box, I remember what it’s like to be caught waiting in a stuck place, a laboring place wondering how things could ever be turned from death to life.
I remember that in the midst of the broken, the painful, the imperfect, the Lord is present, patiently painting a picture of His heart that is ready to step in. His timing and ways mysterious and flawless, he will set us free.
Here is the story of Noah Cedric, how I caught whispers of big and beautiful. How God knit together those hinted promises into a brilliant reality so great that at the risk of appearing a fool, I declare it.
I am a pro-lifer, an open-lifer. My life is an open letter, and I am in this for life. Although I have no idea what is happening on the other side involving those I pray for, I can share with you what God has done in my heart. This is a love letter.
Tears and Prayers for a Brother
“There are no boys in this family except me. It’s not fair!”
The setting sun lit the room as I lugged myself up onto my six year old son, Isaac’s bunk. My fingers traced glistening tracks down his cheeks. The tears continued to flow as he lamented what was obviously a deep pain in his soul.
“Awww Isaac, you aren’t the only boy, Dad’s a boy!”
“He’s a grown up, I want a kid that’s a boy. Kaitlin and Olivia and Lily are all sisters. There are four girls and only two boys!”
I hugged Isaac as he continued to cry, unwilling to be consoled. “I neeeeeeed a brother!”
“Honey, I can’t create a brother for you. God is the one who creates life. Even if I were to get pregnant I couldn’t control whether it would be a boy or girl. God does that too. He might give you another sister, and you love your sisters.”
I gently braced him, “You know, our Heavenly Father promises to answer our prayers for our good. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but with eternity in mind, God always gives us what we need. He loves for us to come to him and make our requests. Maybe he will give you a brother. We could pray for a brother right now. Would you like me to pray with you?”
His small blonde head bobbed up and down. And so we did.
God began to move my heart for Noah right then and there.
Isaac continued addition of his request for a brother in his bedtime prayer each night.
“If you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him?” Matthew 7:11
Part 2, Prayers for Another Brother: Click Here
Please watch this important message from Abby Johnson (Former Planned Parenthood Manager and founder of And Then There Were None) to the pro-life movement. Click Here